


be your own 3am

by dreamsinbloom



Category: Waterparks (Band)
Genre: Gay, Heavy Angst, M/M, Short One Shot, Song fic, awsten knight - Freeform, awsten knight/patty walters - Freeform, patty walters - Freeform, waterparks
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-04-18
Updated: 2018-04-18
Packaged: 2019-04-24 12:54:14
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,068
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14355945
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/dreamsinbloom/pseuds/dreamsinbloom
Summary: sometimes you just have to be your own 3am





	be your own 3am

**this is also available on my wattpad @ lgbtblue warnings: swearing and angst awsten's p.o.v**

_i took my shoes off, crawled into bed, thought i had nothing left._  

it's all over, patty and i, we're over. he called me today, he's on tour in the uk right now, he broke it off. he was just about to go to sound check, i was so happy to hear his voice but now it's the last thing i wanna hear. i've been laying in bed for about an hour now trying to get up but that doesn't look like it's possible right now. i feel numb, i don't have anything left, he was my only love and my baby, but now he's gone.

_i got his number in january, it was so freezing, i am ruined best when i am cold._

my friend introduced us in january of 2014, even in texas it seemed freezing cold, i remember how we had been walking around an outdoor mall and it got way too cold so we ducked into a coffee shop and he bought us some hot chocolate to keep warm. i remember blushing and flashing him the cutest smile i could muster, i tried my hardest to flirt but in a subtle way so i wouldn't be too obvious.

when he dropped me off at my apartment he gave me his phone number and i got a text saying, "you weren't so subtle aws. how about a second date next saturday?" i told him yes, obviously, i mean why wouldn't i. it's not everyday a cute pop-punk boy with an angelic voice asks you for a second date. it went great, we were happy, and he kissed me. i was so nervous but i managed not to fuck it up, i remember that he tasted like mint gum and strawberries.

in a week it would've been our 4 year anniversary, january 29th. but i guess it's ruined now, i'm ruined now. everything goes to shit in the winter, especially my relationships, a bunch of patty and i's fights took place in january and february.

_and my love got too old, i was left alone_

he explained everything the next day since it was his off day, he said he found someone new, a girl. her name was marla, they apparently met a few months back and became friends. he didn't cheat, he just fell in love with her, he realized it yesterday and didn't wanna hurt me. but he did hurt me, he fell in love with someone else, he let himself fall in love and didn't tell me, i wish he would've told me sooner.

i have to see him when he comes back from tour, he's gonna need all his stuff, knowing how i am i'll probably end up packing it for him. did my love grow old to him? did he want something and someone newer, better, more attractive and lovely than me? he always told me i was perfect and that i was perfect for him, was it just a lie? did he entrap me in a web of lies and emotion just for fun?

i wonder that if in the end he got cozy and warm in a place of not wanting me anymore, i wonder if he became comfortable and joyful with the idea of throwing me and all the years we spent together away for a pretty girl.

what am i even saying? i'm sure she's great and i'm sure she's nice, i bet she's deserving of his love and i hope he loves her like he loved me. he made me so happy and so alive, he made me feel like a person, like i had something to live for, i hope he can give that to her anyone else he may fall in love with.

_i just needed someone who would appreciate the growth_

sometimes it seemed like he wanted me to stay the same, i think he wanted 2014 awsten back at times, maybe i was easier to love back then, or maybe i was a better person. i was always so sure i became a better person with each passing day but maybe i didn't, maybe i got worse, maybe i became a worse lover.

_and i can’t remember the last time i enjoyed the snow_

he was the first person i ever got to experience snow with, growing up in texas it was rare to see if snow so when we went back to see his family for christmas one year i finally got to experience it. he kissed me in the snow, it felt nice to feel the warmth of his lips while being surrounded by the cold, he held me tightly but kissed me softly.

i can just add it to a list of things that are ruined now. a bunch of songs, shows, and movies are apart of that list but at least it barely snows here, at least i won't have to be reminded of him during the winter, then again everything reminds me of him.

_now i hold my own hands in crowds of bands and my friends_

it's been a year since the break up, i'm okay now. i go to so many shows, i didn't used to be able to due to the fact the big crowd would give me a bad panic attack but now i can, patty used to have to hold my hand and whisper reassuring things but now i can do it myself.

i'm capable of helping myself and taking care of myself, i can be okay by myself, i can be my own person, i can exist freely without relying on anyone but myself, i'm all i can trust at times.

_jan always says to me, "you gotta be your own 3am."_

my best friend, jan, gave me great advice. she told me, "you can only rely on yourself for happiness, you can only rely on yourself for everything. you have to be the late night texts and calls you used to get, you have to be there for yourself and help yourself, care for yourself."

i'm so self reliant now, i became my own late night lover, my own 3am texts and calls, i'm my own source of happiness, i'm my most reliable source, i'm awsten knight and i can take care of myself.


End file.
